From the Bunker

Yeah I’m The Copy Nazi

Already I’m attracting sniper fire for the name. But stuff ‘em if they can’t take a joke. Even had one guy email me with “I’d never buy a product or even give it a second look because of that name”. So for all the humorless bastards out there – “The Soup Nazi” is the title of one of the most popular episodes of the NBC sitcom Seinfeld, first aired in the U.S. in 1995. The Soup Nazi, played by Larry Thomas, was a Chef who was fiercely proud of his soup. The term “Nazi” is used as an exaggeration of the excessively strict regimentation he constantly demands of his patrons. Voila.

So I’m an online copywriter who’s fiercely proud of his work and I don’t suffer fools. Hence The Copy Nazi. BTW I painted that headshot on the left but it really doesn’t look much like me. More like Van Gogh on a bad day, don’t you think?

You know what the most important thing is in Internet Marketing? Yeah your “List” is important – and that seems to be the “flavor-of-the-month” at the moment. And your Product is important – having exactly what people want. And yeah – Traffic is important and your Pricepoint is important and a bunch of other stuff comes into the mix too.

But the one thing you must get right if you’re going to succeed in this game is THE WRITING. None of that other stuff is worth a pinch-of-sh*t if you can’t persuade people to buy what you’re offering. Copywriting is KING – writing words that persuade people to buy. That’s why some of us copywriters command the big bucks. The writing can make or break a campaign. Even the writing of the Title of your autoresponder series. Or the short copy in your squeeze page. Or the script of your video. Or the headline and body-copy of your salespage.

So here you go. Here’s a Do-it-Yourself guide to knocking together a salespage.

WARNING: fowl jokes and blatant sexual innuendos.

$15,000-a-salespage copywriters
don’t want you to know
these cash-generating triggers
- but I’m spilling the beans

So how does FREE grab you? I’m giving you a complete “Write your own sales page” template. I’m “giving away the farm”. You can literally take this stuff and write your own sales page – a page that will have your readers hitting the Buy Button. Or you can pay me to write it for you. More on that later. Let’s get into it.

Grilled Chicken Ass??

Today we’re going to write some fowl copy. Ha-bloody-ha. We’re going to flesh out a sales page for that yummy-looking chicken ass above. But it doesn’t have to be chicken ass. It could be anything. Even a turkey. Or a dead duck.

First, Catch Your Chicken

It’s not essential but you may want to start your page off with a pre-head that targets or pre-qualifies who you’re pitching. In this case let’s go with

“Hey Barbecue Chicken-Lovers – you’re gonna love this!”

Followed by your headline. Your headline is vitally important.

A headline, of course, is… AN AD FOR YOUR AD! – Gary Halbert

Your brilliant copy will sink or swim depending on how well you hook your readers with the headline. You need to grab your readers attention – really grab them – hit their “hot button” and have them reading on. Put it in inverted commas – it improves readability. And if you can stick a benefit in there, even better. Put your reader in the “drivers seat” by using “you” and “yours”. Headlines can be in serif or san serif body type and some say they should always be in lowercase but I don’t agree with that. As you’ll soon see. But I do agree the headline should never end in a period – a full-stop.

“The headline should – at the very least – suggest that the body of the sales copy offers a solution to the prospect’s problem.”

But let’s ignore that advice for now and go with

“Oh Yeah!
Smoky Texas-Style
BARBECUED CHICKEN ASS”

You might qualify your head with “the deck” – the few lines of copy that you can run under the headline to further qualify or “hook” your readers. In this case we’ll say

- ass-licking good

So now we’ve got -

Hey Barbecue Chicken-Lovers – you’re gonna love this!

“Oh Yeah!
Smoky Texas-Style
BARBECUED CHICKEN ASS”

– ass-licking good

There it is – the complete pre-head/head/deck – the ‘headline”. Which, if its done its job properly, will get your prospect to read your body copy. And obviously the first line of the body copy is the most important. Get to the point. Grab them by the balls. Don’t be tempted to say something lame like “I’m going to get straight to the point. There’s no fluff or filler in this report. I know you’re busy. I know you don’t have time to wade through a bunch of buzz words so I’m not going to muck around. I’m gonna give it to you straight. blah blah blah.” Get to the bloody point already.

Spellcheck it. It’s not a good look to have typos and spelling mistakes throughout your copy – makes you look like a dumbass.

…and don’t be tempted to write something like “How to Make a Million Dollars Online – Overnight and in Your Jocks!” The punters might click on it but then they’re just going to be saying to themselves (rightly so) “This is Total BS”. And you’ve lost them forever. Unless of course you really can prove that you have a system that will do that. Or they’re tonguing for grilled chicken ass. Laugh-Out-Friggin’ Loud.

Video Killed What?

Should you use video? Done properly, video can be very powerful. Here’s one I knocked together for a well-known Internet Marketer whose name will remain anonymous (Frank Kern). BTW it is true I’ve done some stuff for Frank Kern. And it is true he paid me four figures for it. More on that later.

The funny thing about video is not everyone will click on it and watch it. Maybe because they’re watching at work. Or they don’t have broadband. Or they prefer to read. I can almost guarantee that only 10% of readers will play that video. But if it were a naked bird it might be double that.(here’s the proof – out of 167 viewers of this WSO only 12 have played the video)

BTW using a host like Amazon S3 looks much more professional than YouTube.

Just Do It, Dude

There are several ways to start. You could tell a story. Or you could just start off by telling us what you have, what it does, why our miserable lives will be so much better if we have one too. Later on you’ll tell us the price and where and how we can get it.

Or you could give your readers a taste of what’s to come. In this case it might be something like -

As firewood, mesquite burns slow and very hot. When used to barbecue chicken ass, the smoke from the wood adds an unbelievable flavor to the bird. Giving a true Texas-style grilled chicken ass. Our chickens are free-range birds. They spend their lives “home on the range” – scratching dirt on a 1000 acre ranch out of El Paso. That’s why they yield the best-tasting ass. Ass to die for.

Or you could always mess with your readers minds with lame Grilled Chicken Ass stories – “These two birds went into a Tex-Mex bar…”.

But whatever you do, make your copy entertaining. Don’t bore your reader to death.

Who the Hell is This Guy?

Somewhere near the beginning of the page and “above the fold” you might want to put your mugshot and introduce yourself. You’re establishing credibility.

“Hi, my name is Malcolm Lambe. I’m an internet copywriter. That’s me in the sick-looking painting above and the lousy photo below. But it’s not what I look like – it’s what I can do for you, Dude. Quite simply, I will make you a shitload of money with my copy.

Who have I worked for? Some of the biggest names in Internet Marketing – some of the “whales” in this game. Also some of the “up and comers” – like George Montagu Brown of “Google Sniper” fame. You know when George ran his first ad; on The Warrior Forum I said “Here’s the next Frank Kern”. And I was right. That kid is now pulling in $126k a month and has made over a million in the past year.” Yada yada yada.

Write in Simple Short Sentences That a 5 year old Will Have No Trouble Understanding

Talk one-on-one with your reader as if you were talking to your best friend. Or your five year old. This is mine. Meet Charlie. He wants to be a Somali pirate when he grows up. Click on the image to play the video.

Obviously we’re just having some fun in that video. “Results not typical”.

What Else?

Use simple “plain vanilla” words that everyone will understand. Avoid trying to be too “cute” with your words. Unless of course you’re Malcolm Lambe – in which case you can get away with it.

Just tell us your story. Start off by telling us what you have, what it does, why our miserable lives will be so much better if we have one too, tell us the price, tell us how and where to get the chicken ass.

In fact, read the copy aloud to a five year old. If there are parts he/she doesn’t understand – dumb it down.

Break the Copy Up Into Chunks

We don’t read all your words. We scan. We might come back and read all your copy thoroughly but to begin with, we scan. We scroll down, stopping at the “good bits”.

If there is a whole block of copy of long convoluted sentences with big scary words in it, with barely any paragraphs and no bolding or subheads – people are not going to read it. They’ll run a mile. So break it up. You’re not writing for The New York Times. You’re writing for “Joe the Plumber”. Make it easy for him. KISS – Keep It Simple, Stupid.

Make it Easy To Read

Use one idea per paragraph. With subheads. The subheads should be written so that when you scan the page your reader gets the gist of the story – what the page is about – without having to read the body copy in detail. Try and make the subheads a bit cheeky or entertaining.

You can put the subheads in a different font if you like. I like “Verdana” in the body copy. And “Impact” in the headline. Some people swear by other sans-serif fonts like Arial or Tahoma in the body copy. The brilliant Direct Response copywriter, Gary Halbert, was a fan of “Courier New”.

Bolding, underlining and highlighting can also make the copy more readable. But don’t go crazy with any of them.

Putting important copy in a different font will make it stand out against the rest. Make sure it’s an easy-to-read font like Verdana. Avoid arty fonts. Drop-shadow fonts in headlines seem to be the flavor-of-the-month but they are much harder to read than common-or-garden-variety fonts.

Hand-writing fonts work well too. Again, don’t go crazy with it.

Secret Weapon

Use this Genius G-Pen tool to put hand-drawn doodles on your page. Like arrows, underlines, stars, asterisks, smilies – all have shown to increase conversions.

Don’t Forget the Captions

Before I forget. Here’s a good tip. A powerful tip. Put captions under every photo. People love captions. Every caption will be read. Make the caption part of your pitch as well. And, of course, you can use your keywords in the Alt description for SEO purposes.

What’s In It For Me?

Think in terms of “benefits” rather than features -

“This chicken ass is char-grilled” is a feature.

“This chicken ass is lovingly cooked over a mesquite-fired char-grill so you get all the subtle smoky flavors of the wood blending with the barbequed bird – just like a real Texan barbecue” is a benefit.

Answer the reader’s “What’s in it for me?”.He could care less about your amazing features. He wants to know how those features will benefit him.

Do I Really Need To Be A “Good Writer”?

Yes and no. Personally I’m pretty keen on correct grammar, syntax and spelling. But I’m not anal about it.

As for style, Gary Halbert used to say -

“Being on target is much more important than being facile with words – find a starving crowd that’s looking for chicken ass”

In other words don’t pitch a Knitting Book to a bunch of truckdrivers. Know who you’re talking to. Who you are targeting. And talk to them in their language.

Halbert also said -

“People don’t have time for your pathetic subtleties”

In other words, don’t try and be too clever. And don’t use words that most people don’t understand. You’re not writing The World’s Greatest Novel or a piece for The New York Times. Use simple, short, everyday words in short, simple sentences. In words a 5 year old understands. The last thing you want is your reader saying “Wow…this is a beautifully-crafted piece of copy” (unless he’s a fellow copywriter).

Famous copywriter John Caples (he of the “They laughed when I sat down at the piano…” print ad.) in 1932 (78 years ago!) put it like this -

Don’t make ads simple because you think people are low in intelligence. Some are smart and some are not smart. The point is that people are thinking about other things when they see your ad. Your ad does not get their full attention or intelligence. Your ad gets only a fraction of their intelligence . . . . People won’t study your ad carefully. They can’t be bothered. And so you have to make your ads simple.

It’s Not Rocket Science

Tell me what you have, tell me what it does, tell me why my life will be so much better if I have one too, tell me how much, tell me where to get it. Don’t be afraid to repeat the important bits. Or say the same thing again but spin it.

Show Me The Proof

Show me some proof your product does what you say it will do. Real proof – not dodgy screenshots of earnings or useless testimonials from “Jo Blow, Canada”. Video proof can be extremely powerful. Did you see the recent launch of “The Magic Bullet System” for CPA marketing? Sold $1 Million in 1:05 hours even before it was officially launched. Why? The video “proof” was killer – it showed the developers logging on to their accounts in real time – “show me the money” – rather than a dodgy earnings screenshot that anyone can make with a simple line of javascript. I show you how to do it here on another internet marketing blog of mine.

Ask For The Order

Stick several “Buy Buttons” on the page. Don’t just rely on your reader scrolling to the very bottom of the page to find a Buy Button. If you’ve done a good job some of your readers will hit a Buy Button half-way through the copy. Some say “Add To Cart” works better than “Buy Now” or “Order Now”. Check out Troy Gardner’s free The Ultimate Belcher Button Wizard – comes with roll-over effects and Sound Effects. Way cool. It’s the one I use with great success.

Talking about order forms. Check this one out On the American Writers and Artists Inc. site. See what they’ve done there? Three options. Which one do you think gets clicked the most?
See how they offer the order form? “Print Version – $149″…”Online version – $149″…” Combo Version ( in bold) – Best Deal – $199″.

“Please allow 10 business days for delivery of the print version. Shipping and Handling charges for print:
U.S.: $7; Other Countries: $12″

What do you think most people are gonna go for? You got it.

Will it work for your product? Test it.

Here comes the pitch! Here’s the deal. Maybe after reading that stuff above you still don’t think you can write your own page or you couldn’t be assed. Cool. So get me to do it. With a proviso – please don’t give me any turkeys. I’m not interested in writing for Penis Enlargement sites or “Make Your Car Run on Your Farts” -type of stuff.

Don’t Be “Precious” About Your Copy

Testing is the name of the game. Sometimes just adding or deleting a single word will skyrocket conversions. The headline is the most important part of the whole page. You only have a second or two to seduce your readers before they click off. So make sure your headline grabs them by the you-know-whats. Or you’re dead in the water.

Don’t waffle in your copy. Generally, “less is more”.

If the copy isn’t converting – kill it and start again.

#1 With a Bullet

Putting important things in bullet form makes them easier to read. Odd numbers of bullets work better. No more than 7 of them. You know you need to add testimonials, “social proof”, p.s., call to action (“Hit that button Now!”) – all that jive. That stuff is important but its mainly window dressing. What’s important is -

☞ be on target

☞ use simple, short sentences

☞ get to the point

☞ break your copy into chunks so it’s easier to read

☞ don’t use dodgy screenshots or fake testimonials

☞ test and test again

☞ use bullets or special characters

Voila! How to write your own copy in one easy lesson. But if that’s still too hard for you or you haven’t the time, send me your life savings. Then email me at malcolmlambe (at) gmail (dot) com or “metronicity” on Skype and we’ll talk turkey – or grilled chicken ass.

Oh yeah. One more thing. “How long should a salespage be?” I get that question all the time. The answer, of course, is “as long as it needs to be”. Yes I know I said previously “less is more” but tests have proved over and over again that the longer you can keep your readers on the page, the more likely you are to convert them into sales. The trick, as I said before, is to keep them entertained…keep them interested in reading on. Too many so-called “long form salesletters” waffle on with boring sh*t thinking that will do the trick. It doesn’t. In fact it has the opposite affect of just pissing people off. And bye-bye to the sale. So on that note I’m gonna finish up.

But not before I mention the old “scarcity tactic”. You know – bullshit your reader that the “offer ends at midnight” so he’d better pull his finger out and order. Do you fall for that? Thought so. I don’t either. Especially when you come back to the page the next day and the same BS is there.

But GENUINE SCARCITY works. In fact I’ve a neat little script a fellow Warrior developed that limits sales to “One Per Zip Code”. That’s pretty cool. And Frank Kern used something similar when they did the Neil Strauss “Seduction” launch.

Cheers,

The Copy Nazi

p.s. if you want your copy to read like the spoken word, invest in Dragon Naturally Speaking (for PCs) or MacSpeech Dictate (for Macs) and dictate your copy while the program writes it for you. I’ve even used it to write directly into this forum. They say it’s 99% accurate but that’s BS. It does make a few mistakes. For instance when I say “Australian” in my Australian accent, it writes it (every time) as “Estonian”.

Footnote:

Here’s the thing. Do you realise how much time is involved in crafting a converting salesletter? A lot. The time isn’t so much in writing the copy. That’s the easy part. The time is in understanding your product/your offer. Research. Making sure we’re on target.

When I work with a client I don’t just take your money and dash off a salesletter I think will work. I talk to you on Skype. We exchange a million emails. I read a whole bunch of stuff. I ask a zillion questions. I effectively become your Business partner – your Marketing partner. And all that takes time.

What I really hope is that anybody that picks up this offer will go on to become a lifelong client. I’m looking to work with just a small bunch of motivated marketers that understand there is no “Silver Bullet”. You can’t hope to just throw a thousand bucks at me and the salesletter will be an instant hit and the answer to all your problems. Doesn’t work like that. It’s a process. And it takes two to tango. Underlying all that is the need to test. Sometimes just changing a word in the headline can make all the difference.

I’m not desperate for a quid – as we say Downunder. I don’t want to take your money if I think we can’t work well together. I knock back potential clients all the time because I either don’t like their product or I don’t think they have the right attitude – they’re just looking for a “miracle cure” – a “quick fix”. It doesn’t work like that.

So if you have a great product but not a lot of money to promote it and you’re struggling with your salesletter or landing page, just following what I’ve outlined above should help you enormously. I haven’t actually “given away the farm” as I claimed. I’ve kept quite a few tricks up my sleeve. But there’s more than the basics there to get you going. If you have the time and the inclination.

BIG TIP:

nobody likes to be Sold to. People online are a lot more sophisticated now than they were even just a couple of years ago. Our “bullsh*t meters” are highly-tuned.

Above all readers detest marketese – you know the kind of stuff – “hottest ever”, “price goes up at Midnight”, “Never repeated special offer”, “buy now or you’ll miss out” and my personal favorite – “The web’s #1 trusted site (for)”. They’re all Big No-Nos in my book.

Don’t try and bullsh*t us. We’re hip to it. We’re whizzing around the net all day long. Just give us the straight dope and give it to us quick. Supersize me later if you must. But right now I’m hungry and I wanna eat.

Using “marketese” – sales talk – and unsubstantiated claims just turns us off. We’re all looking for “information” – information to help us solve our problems. We’re not looking to be “sold”.

Malkie to FRANK KERN yesterday:

I’m dropping your name like a motherfucker all over the shop. You may even get people saying “Who is this asshole Malcolm Lambe? Claims he’s done some copy for you.

To which Frank replied:

I’ll tell them you saved my life in Vietnam and that in return, I gave you a kidney.

Testimonials

You’re a damn fine writer, Mr. Lambe – Frank Kern

I was fortunate to get in fairly early on one of Mal’s copywriting WSOs.

I threw over a half-finished copy of my product, and a vague outline of what I wanted.

Mal did the rest…ahead of schedule…and it’s FANTASTIC!

What separates Mal from other copywriters I’ve used before is that he has a healthy disregard for conventional copywriting ‘wisdom’…you won’t find any formulaic BS in his work.

He writes for the READER. He has a wonderful, conversational style, which effortlessly pulls the reader from first word to last – in an off-the-cuff, soft sell kind of way.

I’m fully expecting Mal’s copy to convert like crazy in my niche.

Here’s the deal – before you break the rules, you gotta know the rules. It’s plain obvious that Mal knows what he’s doing.

Get on it before he starts charging his true worth.

Oh…you may have noticed that Mal comes across in a no-nonsense…almost abrasive manner.

Pay no attention…he cares deeply about his reputation, and will do his utmost to help you out.

I know this for a fact.

Jump on this offer. Now.

Steve Fullman

Mal just finished up a landing page for me. I hate writing copy but can sure tell when a page is doing its job. His pages are très sexy.

He figured out how to talk to my target market and made my copy compelling. He asked great questions to understand my product, my market and offered some advice that really got me to thinking and approach my product from a different angle.

Mal can be a bit “colorful” at times. So if you are super sensitive or super whiny, he may not be your guy.

If you want some kick-ass copy and good customer service without a bunch of bs – hire Mal.

Melody

OK Just went through it in detail. Bottom line – Fantastic Work!

I really appreciate the hard work and you nailed it pal!

If you have any adjustments or tweaks, let me know, but all in all, I am ecstatic with it.

Have a great evening and have a beer (a real beer that is, none of that french crap) and toast yourself on a great job.

All the best,
Sean Donahue (Video Marketing and YouTube Marketing with Video Assassin)

I contacted Mal to give me a couple of tips regarding my sales letter and headline and he took the time to tell me that my headline sucks big time.

He gave me a couple of tips, which I implemented, and my Conversion Rate jumped through the roof!
He’s the real deal, or like we say here, he’s ‘The Shit’.

He brings some fresh wind and he has mad skills. You should take advantage of his services as they’re still ridiculously cheap.

Cheers,
mario (yellowboy)

Here’s more testimonials. I actually gave this guy his money back as I thought what he was writing himself was pretty good – not grammatically correct but it “resonated” and I didn’t think I could improve on it.

Malcolm,
I don’t think i have EVER met anyone quite like you since I’ve been doing this internet lark…you’re a REAL star. I sat back, looked at your copy and thought ok…its not bad…and i was about to email you back asking if you could have another go.

That was my fault for not giving you enough information…i find it hard to explain things see, simply because i expect everyone to know what I’m on about!

From what i have heard of you, and the fact you replied to me first offering another shot at it, and coming up with something that i didn’t think of is well, true loyalty!

Guys, if you need a squeeze page doing, a salesletter…Any sort of copywriting, Malcolm is the guy. His out take on things is down to earth. YES, maybe he may get on your nerves…YES he may be a bit mad in his methodology, YES he can be very demanding, but tell him EXACTLY what you want, and he’ll deliver.

Keep up the great work Malcolm you crazy Aussie!
Digitips

And another one -

Mal’s work was exceptional, and beyond my wildest expectations. His price is just plain crazy cheap. If you need some fire in your sales copy and offer, you would have to be mad as a hatter to pass on this arsonist’s offer. Brilliant stuff. I’m glad I gobbled a bunch of them up. Money well spent. If I didn’t know better I would think it was he, that Nero played the fiddle for while Rome burned.

Mal has a certain je ne sais quoi in his copywriting, that captures the reader’s imagination, as all things must that involve quantities of beer, Paris and crazy Aussies, that have fled their homeland, for who knows what reasons.

Bob Silber.

And I’ll get that Bob Silber later for the outrageous slur on my good character. But he did send me an email saying -

“You have a gift my friend, a special talent. Damn good stuff. I love it.”

BTW this is the Bob Silber, Attorney who advises Frank Kern, John Reese – all those guys. And was once Frank Sinatra’s Attorney.

Here’s another -

What can I say… Other than has Mal gone stark raving bonkers?

For this kind of quality you’d normally be looking at well over ten grand… Because as we all know a good sales letter is an invaluable asset to your business.

George Montagu Brown Google Sniper & Traffic Ultimatum

Just to be clear. I did some early stuff with George on Google Sniper. The squeeze and a salespage. But he was already committed to David Raybould for the final Sniper salespage – and a great job he made of it too!

You probably know that one of the key secrets to the ultimate sales page is…Experience

Paul Myers tells the story of a guy who paid Paul for a copy re-write. All Paul did was change a little bit of the sales letter down towards the end of the sales page.

Product sales quickly shot through the roof.

Want that for your sales page? You can have it. All you need is Malcolm Lambe to be your Paul Myers.

Malcolm recently helped me redo one of my sales pages. He gave me tips on my headlines, showed me whole sections of my page that I needed to remove, he gave me some killer tips for my order buttons, and on top of that threw in a little coaching session on sales pages in general.

You will discover, like I did, that the insights he provides are worth way more than what he charges.

So, you can’t afford Paul Myers, but you still want that magic touch that will bring your sales page to life?

Hire Malcolm. And then duck as he dives at your sales page.

You will never look at sales copy the same way again. Nick H – DIYBeeHive.com

Don’t waste time thinking your salesletter can’t be made better.. Cause I guarantee Mal WILL make it better…

Mal is awesome and a great errrmm(crazy) guy but he can make a letter convert and that is what counts..(don’t pay any attention to the blond curly headed guy behind the curtain)

Don’t muck about. Just do it!

Dennis Cheesman Ready Profit Systems

My God, what a post, a complete lesson in it’s own right. What a lot of people don’t realise with you, is you don’t just provide copywriting, you provide the WHOLE package…because it just one thing isn’t right, you don’t get sales! (I have no clue about grammar..uhh..or is that grammer..and spelling ha ha)

I know the term ‘something you can take to the bank’ is over used as an IM buzz term, but in your case it’s true…I mean, you tell me to change a heading or a graphic, or a video or whatever, and that has doubled or trippled conversions…now THAT’S something I can and HAVE taken to the bank!

Phil. Wheatley Heavy Metal Guitar

I’m not one who generally writes in to thank someone, but I feel compelled to leave this note about Malcolm’s services.

I hired Malcolm to write a long form sales letter for an ebook/membership program I have created. I’ve found in the past that a good copywriter will write good copy and a great copywriter will get into the mind of the potential client and research the industry thoroughly. That being said, I’m not sure how to characterize Malcolm’s services as he has broken this mold of excellence. Malcolm’s gone above and beyond anything I’ve experienced – providing me with innovative research on keywords, insight on my competition, and several ‘aha’ ideas on how to gain a competitive edge in my space.

I am seriously thrilled at the package I’ve received, and this is just over the last 3 days since I’ve hired him! Thanks, Malkie!!!!! You rule! Renjain

So I got this private message from Mal today. Said he was lonely and wanted to boost his ego by getting more Facebook friends. He offered me a pack of smokes to be his Facebook BFF. Even though I only smoke Cuban cigars, I felt sorry for him so I said “yes.”

So I was over checking out his Facebook profile to see if he had any pictures of hot women (he didn’t) when I came across a link to his blog.

In general I don’t like blogs. They are almost always poorly written, self-indulgent, myopic narratives about the fecal peculiarities of “Sir Boots McKitten” the “most adorable feline on the planet.”

But I do like making fun of people so I went over to Mal’s pool of Narcissus hoping to find some embarrassing fodder to use either as blackmail or comedy.

Instead, I find this:

PPC Classroom Is A Complete Joke

Understand, I wanted to poke fun. I wanted to get my jollies at Mal’s expense.

But instead of finding something I could use to exercise my rapier wit, I found one of the best examples of blog advertorial posts I have ever seen. I almost bought the product. Again. Even though I not only own the super-deluxe version, I have lunch with Perry Marshall at least twice a week. (We are so close we took separate vacations this year.)

Everyone go now and read the freakin’ post. You will see what I mean.

Kevin Bidwell

Yeah thanks Big Kev. Best part is Perry Marshall’s P.A. emailed me to thank me on Perry’s behalf. Which I found kind of weird and told her so. Who gets their P.A. to send emails? I signed off “[this has been dictated to Malcolm Lambe's P.A. as Mr Lambe is far too busy and important to be bothered with such trivial matters] That should get him going.

Still Undecided? Call Me – “Metronicity” on Skype.

CAVEAT: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. There are no “silver bullets” in marketing. If you’ve come to me hoping for an “instant fix” (like matey in the comments) you’re going to be sadly disappointed. It doesn’t work like that and any marketer or copywriter who promises you that is leading you astray. A lot of elements come in to play during a campaign – not just the copy. If you take my copy but don’t follow my formatting advice or add and delete elements of the copy it may affect your results. This is a partnership. We need to work together. Sometimes we may have to delete stuff, change stuff, move stuff around. That’s normal. Sometimes you can throw the new page up and get instant results and that’s great – that’s a home run. Other times we might have to work on our game. All this takes time, skill and concentration – “blood, sweat and tears”.
So please…if you feel you’re not getting the results you’d hoped for with my new copy…work with me. Don’t get hysterical and start demanding a refund after half a day of half-assed testing (like a certain fan of mine recently). It doesn’t work like that and quite frankly I don’t want your business if that’s how you’re going to treat me. I’m charging (and getting) $5000 a salesletter now – from people that recognise what my concepts and copy can do for their business.

à bientôt, The Copy Nazi

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